39

       Welp. Today begins the last year of my thirties. I remember starting this blog when I was 29... And on my thirtieth birthday, I blogged about the "dirty thirties;" talking about what the third decade would mean to me, involving: healing, wellness, independence, spiritual growth, dirty martinis, & red lipstick & stilettos.... All have been applied, except the last two accessory items. Perhaps I saw my thirtiesas a true-grown-up-healing time period, but also a "sexy grown" of sorts. 

        I must say, these past 9 years have definitely involved spiritual growth-- via emerging myself fully in nature, being with myself in quiet solitude, making music in solitude, shedding many old "friends" & old habits. Saying NO way more. Bonding with my dad, and his beautiful white husky, Wolf. Having the tough conversations with family members concerning past traumas, which were peacefully & respectfully resolved. But despite all this healing growth, I knew when I moved back home with my dad that that decision was going to be a "grave" one. And with all this healing & growth, would also come great loss & grief. 

        Just after releasing all my demo songs onto a demo album, which I entitled, "Saturn Returned"(because that time period was during my Saturn return, & when I released the album was nearing the end of it), I took a road trip not only across the country, but around the country-- literally. A full circle, or a full oval or rectangle. I drove from MA to Washington state, down through the west coast to California, then back across through Arizona, New Mexico & the south to Florida, then back up to MA. This trip took just over one month. Upon my return, I moved in with my mother & step-father temporarily, because while I was gone my eldest brother moved into the basement where I lived previously at my fathers. My plan was to relocate to Washington State while staying with a friend, but that fell through, hence the round-trip road trip. 

        So since I came back, I knew I had to make a different kind of move-- in my "career path." I knew after 8 years of trying, music wasn't happening for me in a sustainable kind of way, so I decided to shift gears and went into real estate. I went through the two-week schooling, and took the next two years to study for the exam-- which I eventually passed on the very last deadline day. During that study period, I had moved in with my boyfriend, which was the very first with whom I have ever lived, and was its own learning curve & life lesson. It was during this time, later that year on the first snow of winter, that we had lost Wolf, our great animal companion. The next month I had an abortion. And just two weeks later, my father passed. And then covid hit.... all in a span of 3 months. It truly poured loss that year. And then I gained 30 pounds as a result (which I am still trying to let go of, but aging has proved it most difficult to do so). I still see this weight as my grief weight. It was probably the worst year of my life. 

        The next winter, I decided to take positive action & got back into sports. Even though I was overweight, I still remembered how active & fit I was when I was a teenager (before I got into music). I played soccer, basketball, softball, & snowboarding. And so I bought my first snowboard, I didn't care if I looked like an overweight person on a board, I knew I was athletic & could be good at it. And I was. And I had fun every winter during those last 4 years of my thirties. 

        And now I celebrate my 39th birthday with a knee injury. Not from my own doing during sports, or from a fall, but from a physical assault by another human being. It was 20 days ago, on the night of my first high school reunion. I had also been reconnected & going out with an old middle-school friend this past year & a half, and decided to go out to a bar/venue with her & her brothers after the reunion. Nearing the end of the night, I noticed an unused drum-set on an empty stage, and I guessed it might have been an "open stage," with a rotating roster of various MCs. So, with the liquid courage that I had throughout the night, I went up onto the stage & started to back a couple of the MCs on the drums. Well, as it turned out, it was not an open stage, & the drum set apparently belonged to a very angry guy. He started to spew hate speech at me for being a girl on the drums, & after I got up from behind the drum-set to leave the stage, he grabbed me & threw me hard down on ground, in front of a full audience, then continued to yell assault threats at me after I was already down & injured. I couldn't walk when I tried getting up, and I ended up being taken away on a stretcher to the Cooley Dickinson ER. They said it wasn't broken bones, just a lot of swelling in the knee, & to wait for the swelling to go down for further evaluation. It's been almost 3 weeks now, and I can walk again, but slowly with a brace and still with some stiffness in my knee & muscles. 

        I have never been physically assaulted by another like that in my life, & it makes me wonder why this happened. Perhaps I went backwards in my thirties healing process. Going out with "old friends" again perhaps brought out some old habits. Maybe none of my old friends were good for me, and there was a reason I had shed them all throughout my thirties. So why did I start again near the end of this decade? I don't blame these people, it just seems that old friends bring up old habits that I had worked so hard to shed these past 9 years. Maybe this past year was just a relapse, a reminder that my decision to let go was the only way forward for my own growth. Who knows... Yet, there is always more to learn in this life. 

           So, as I lay back on "bed rest," elevating my still bit swollen, recovering knee, blogging my thoughts & feelings & reflections on this past decade, I look back on all I have experienced & learned-- that life definitely comes with its setbacks & challenges, but life is also meant to be beautiful & enjoyed. I still hold firm to this belief. And that is one thing that will remain for the rest of my life. 

        So, Happy 39th Birthday, Jessica Joy, you are one beautiful badass. 

BEING HUMAN

What does it mean to be human these days?

Were we meant to just suffer from the beginning?

I refuse to believe this is the original purpose of the human being. 

It seems that suffering people want others to suffer too

So they don't feel so alone

Even if it comes at the cost of their own hand causing another's suffering. 

Suffering people can't stand seeing another person content and happy... 

Is this what human beings have been reduced down to?

I thought we were supposed to be evolving.... 

Is there such a thing as devolving?

The older I get the more I see the human species as so. 

But no matter how much people continue to suffer on this planet,

I refuse to accept this as the baseline. 

And I will continue to believe in peace, love & joy always

Even if you try your hardest to break it out of me. 

Because love & joy are integral parts of the cosmos & divine, you see

And that is far greater than humanity's addiction to pain & suffering. 

HEALING

Why do we avoid it so?

Why do we rush it so?

As I sit here on "bedrest," healing a knee trauma-- I think of the healing process. 

Yes we need to incorporate strength training, but not too soon to rush healing the wound itself. 

Somehow I feel us as Americans, or perhaps as a species entirely, do not allow for full complete healing.

We seem to be tormented by inaction, why are we so tormented by inaction?

How did we become so traumatized away from our BEING part of human? 

Is this capitalism to blame? Is this a political trauma?

To constantly go, go, go, and do, do, do? Casting our traumas & wounds aside?

When did we stop human being?

I will continue to ponder this concept. 

On Purpose (part 3)

So I realize this I my third post on purpose. But really, every post is about purpose-- essentially. As human beings, that is always what we are searching and striving for in life. If not for purpose, what do we live for? Why are we here?

I've been grappling with my "new" purpose throughout most of my thirties, ever since I realized music wasn't going anywhere for me. And quite frankly, I was getting burnt out and losing motivation and inspiration from it anyway. So once I had no other force driving my life, how was I going to continue on with it? I must search for a new purpose. 

I applied to graduate school at Antioch University for Mental Health Counseling, was accepted to the program, and then decided to decline when realizing there really are not many grants in graduate school. I realized, is becoming a mental health counselor worth $50,000 of (more) student loan debt? I decided on no. 

Then I thought real estate. My process to that thought was, "what is really cheap schooling that can give me the opportunity to make a really wealthy career?" Boom. Real Estate. I went to school for two weeks, got my license two years later, and have joined two brokerages since then. 

But were either of those career paths my purpose? No. Because if they were, I would have said, "yes, I do think this profession is worth this X amount of money." 

I am starting to realize that purpose is priceless. 

No amount of money could stop me from doing it, and I would do it for free. Because it was my purpose.

And then I started delving into the personal development realm. Trying to find this new, hidden purpose of mine. My most recent learning was from Jay Shetty's podcast literally called "On Purpose." I found this after I entitled my blog post that same name. He talked about how most of people's lives are on the first part of purpose, which is finding it-- and how much fun it can be in the process! Obviously the second part is what to do with your purpose once you've found it, so I will just see this "lost, dark, dead, etc" time of my life as a blessing, and an opportunity to make this journey on purpose-searching fun and great!

Deadzone

So this is where I've been at-- in a dead zone. 

Not physically in my body,

I don't feel dead, it's in my surroundings. 

So how to I make the changes to my environment?

It's not as easy as one would think. 

Finding a new town, state, home, home-mates. 

How do I do this?

In the past, opportunities just presented themselves to me

To make the next step,

Or I had a clear vision of where I was going next,

And taking the actions to fulfill that vision

To the best of my ability. 

But now the state of flow has stopped,

The vision and opportunities are no where to be found,

Now what?

I want to live. 

I want to fulfill my best potential,

I just need to remove myself from this deadzone 

I've been living in. 

Great Universe and Divine Intervention,

I am asking you now with humility and grace,

Help me to see and find the resources to get me out of this deadzone.

You are my best hope. 

Looking Back

I went walking in the wintery woods today,

After having been in and sick for going on 10 days now. 

It was a breath of fresh air, literally. 

I had a moment with the snow on a pine tree,

And remembered when I used to love going out to the backyard 

When it snowed, to shake the snow off the pine branches,

Taking my own little snow shower. 

I now see how the importance of being in nature,

Has stemmed back to my childhood. 

I feel lucky to have grown up in the hilltowns,

In the trees. 

So whenever I get down,

About my progress in life as a "professional whatever,"

I will remember the simple joy of shaking snow 

Off of pine trees. 

On Purpose (part 2)

Perhaps the purpose of one's life 

Is just that: Life. 

When was living on Earth not enough?

When did the value of human life 

Become not enough?

We say we are products of evolution-- 

But I beg to differ. 

We seem to have drifted 

Further and further away

From the true purpose of life--

Which is just that: Living here on this Beautiful Earth.

And to leave it better than how we found it.