Volatile

I am aware of my capricious nature

But we had a mutually fickle love

Wildly inconsistent, volatile

Selfish you may have told me to be

But I guess I just couldn't trust you

Better yet me

I remember the fights 

The million separation marriage

My father's neglect

I remember my mother smashing the plates in the kitchen

My fathers' weeks away

And late night drunk stumble homes

Volatility was all I knew.

(from Notes, 10/2/14, 4:42am)

About this Morning

So my dad stormed downstairs early this morning,
All huffing and puffing
Upset about someone shutting the boiler off.
It wasn't me.
So who did it?
I don't know.
And then he yelled,
"I'm sick of your intelligance!"


I guess I'll take that as a compliment.

Everyone Is Living For Someone Else

Do two people ever live for each other anymore?
Or are we always living for someone else?
I mean, the one who lives for you,
You don't for them.
Because the one you live for
Lives for someone else too.

Is this our only way with "love"?

People Watching

It's a thing, you know.

And I am okay.

But I think I have a problem.

I am scared. And I don't feel safe sometimes.

I want to feel safe.

I am not waiting for anything or anyone.

I am here to practice my safety in the world.

Social Anxiety: At the café. Lession 1: Exposure

This is the most difficult thing.
Exposure isn't so easy when you are shaking
And want to smash everything around you.
But you have to expose yourself
To practice
Practice
Expose
Practice more.

Still shaking
It hasn't been that bad before.
But it will lessen
Once I stay the course and not
Freak the fuck out.
Don't freak out.

Hand is shaking on cup
What the fuck.
Sip sip drink
Sip sip drink

Touch my face and grow
Because I don't know what else to do
I am a fucking songwriter
Fuck you bitches.
I will remember
I have to remember
Music music music
Hug
Music music music
Hug

Shaking still
It's all good
I am a fucking musician.

Commercial. Fuck you commercials.
Or maybe they are good.
Transition.

And scene. Or change direction.
Look up?
I am an artist
So fuck you.

Why the fuck is my hand shaking?
Still.
I must devote my whole life to music.
Because that is the only thing that will keep me grounded
And make me less scared.

I don't know why my hand keeps fucking shaking.

Exposure.
Nerves.
Stress.
An-fucking-xiety.
An-fucking-xiety.
Exposure.
An-fucking-xiety.

Lyrics I dreamt:

See you on the hitch high
Catch you on the switch side

Exposure
This will help.

Ideas ideas ideas
Don't speak to me in lyrics

Validation

Why do you need so goddamn much of validation?

Just chill out.

You are enough. And you are okay.

Dead Zone

I feel like I'm in a dead zone
It's not just my phone
It's this old home.

Addiction

So, I've learned a lot about addiction
Co-dependency
I hate it.
I don't think I've ever felt so much co-dependency in my life.

I'm learning that I learn it from my dad.

I was always a self-sufficient child,
Even as a baby.
And now while I live back in this childhood home,
With my codependent father,
I learn co-dependancy.
Still sense of helplessness is awful.
And now I feel so stuck like I will never get out
I will get out.
It's been 2 and a half years.

So when will this end?
How will this end?
I want my life back again.

I remember being depressed,
I've always struggled with that.
Perhaps depression was my addiction.
I became so comfortable with it.
And now I'm back in that dark and helpless place
When will it end?
When will I get my life back again?

Codependency

I used to be so okay
Independent
Didn't feel like I needed anyone
I then I moved back home with my dad
And I got ruined
Again
I can't seem to find my independence again
And it has crippled me
No I don't need you
But why can't I stand on my own again?
Why can't I be okay with myself again?
What the fuck happened?
I've never felt this before
And it's destroying me
I must get out of this.
As long as I am here
I am only learning codependency.

The Chase

The moment when I am ready to love
It doesn't want me
When I am ready to give my all
It rejects me
Probably because I am too available.
So when I turn my back
I won't be surprised to find it chasing me
When it's too late.
Where were you when I was available and ready?
You turned me down and kicked me when I fell
So I turn my back on you now
And when you come chasing me, tapping me on my shoulder
Letting me know you're there
I won't fall for it
Because the moment I become available yet another time
Is the strange moment you don't want me anymore... again.