I could be making something magnificent

But I'm not

What happened to my potential?

I feel shallow

And hollow

No more music

No more laughter

I have become emotionally un-self-sufficient

This is a bad place to be.

When will I reclaim my power?

Do I even want it back?

Loneliness

How many of us are lonely?

How many of us realize it?

How many of us are willing to battle it?

How many of us are willing to accept it?

I don't accept my loneliness anymore

Because I now know it's not good for me.

Even science has proven that now

That loneliness is one of the number one causes

Of premature death.

So I disregard this delusional fate

Of my own loneliness

I will not allow myself

To be lonely anymore.

Because I'd like to live a long

And fruitful life.

So I now declare,

This transformation of loneliness, 

Into an all one solitude happiness. 

"The Clouds Above Us...

... Join and separate,
The breeze in the courtyard leaves and returns.
Life is like that, so why not relax?
Who can stop us from celebrating?"

(from The Tao of Pooh)

Manipulation

I wish I was good at it.


But then again I'm not an asshole like that.

I Was Going To Blog Today

Out in public at some cafe. But then I realized I don't really enjoy being around people very much. So there's the trick- how do I put myself out there if I can't stand being around people? What's the work around there?

Death of Songs

It's the death of songs.
Because they aren't worth my expression anymore.

Why Keep Trying

If it always ends the same.
I will not write the same song
Over and over again.
It's just not worth it anymore
Because I've already written and played that tune.

Trust

I'm not sure I can trust
Anyone.

Now I understand why people do drugs,
Because you just want to escape
But don't know how
Without completely ending it.

Pain

I thought that by moving in with my dad,
I would be able to fix all my problems with men.
Except I only think it made things worse.
I can't seem to learn, to get things right
And I just keep either choosing the wrong guys
Or I just can't seem to heal my wounds
To allow me to have a successful relationship.

I am so angry. And I'm in a lot of pain.

I really want to do it right
I want a healthy, long-lasting relationship
But now I've just turned into an addict
Just like my dad, and my brother
I became addicted to my relationship.

Moving in with my dad didn't help to heal things,
It just damaged me more than I already was.

Yet another mistake.
And I feel trapped.
I've become an addict
And I don't know how to get out of this pain- yet again.

Walk, Blog, Job

Walk, Blog, Job
Food
Music- maybe

I must compartmentalize my days
So I have structure and can stay productive

So here is Blog.

I am trying to write

Because I don't know what else to do.
I have goals, and I will keep them at the forefront.
And anyone who gets in the way,
Is just in my way.

I am trying to write,
Because I am in pain and need an outlet.
I respect art and creativity
Because I believe in the power of them
As my mother would say.
I believe they are there to help us heal our wounds.

I am trying to write,
Because I feel there is no where else to turn.
No one I want to talk to
Except just getting my feelings and anger out on this screen page.

I am trying to write,
Because that is all that seems to be left.

The Fog

It's been awhile 

Since the fog has cleared 

Where I feel happy and light again

The sadness has been vast 

But still here I stand

Just trying to take that next step

Towards peace, and love

I am still searching