Wolf Pack

Finding a sense of belonging is tough.
How do we ever really know?
Maybe no matter where we go
There will always be conflict, discomfort and disease.
Are these places where we can learn and grow?
Or are they slowly deteriorating our spirits and souls?
Is this my dungeon to hell or my sanctuary
How will I ever know?
I feel like I want to get out, I need to get out
But yet I keep coming back.
Have I become a mind-controlled lost being?
I feel safe, trapped and helpless at the same time.
How can that be?
It must be a bad omen.
Is my wolf pack the ones who I have felt destroyed by?
How can that be?
Because I can't seem to find my way out
I can't seem to find my way out.

You Can't Change People

You can't change people
No, no, no
You can't change people
They will do what they do
And I will just do what I do
Even though I want to change you
And not me.

I want to change myself
Do, do, Do
I want to change myself
So I can be better
Better than I was
I can be better
For myself
For the rest of world

I can change my environment
If it doesn't serve me
I can change who I want in my life
If they don't serve me to my highest good
I can change my surroundings
Do, do, Do

But I want to change people
But I will change myself
Or my surroundings instead
Because that is the only power I have.

Out of Desperation

It's interesting
When we obsess about
The things we want so badly
Do we actually need them at all?
When I find myself
Helpless and desperate
I try to understand
What that root cause is.
So I reflect
Come into myself again
To find the most beautiful answer
This is where I belong.

I could be making something magnificent

But I'm not

What happened to my potential?

I feel shallow

And hollow

No more music

No more laughter

I have become emotionally un-self-sufficient

This is a bad place to be.

When will I reclaim my power?

Do I even want it back?

Loneliness

How many of us are lonely?

How many of us realize it?

How many of us are willing to battle it?

How many of us are willing to accept it?

I don't accept my loneliness anymore

Because I now know it's not good for me.

Even science has proven that now

That loneliness is one of the number one causes

Of premature death.

So I disregard this delusional fate

Of my own loneliness

I will not allow myself

To be lonely anymore.

Because I'd like to live a long

And fruitful life.

So I now declare,

This transformation of loneliness, 

Into an all one solitude happiness. 

"The Clouds Above Us...

... Join and separate,
The breeze in the courtyard leaves and returns.
Life is like that, so why not relax?
Who can stop us from celebrating?"

(from The Tao of Pooh)

Manipulation

I wish I was good at it.


But then again I'm not an asshole like that.

I Was Going To Blog Today

Out in public at some cafe. But then I realized I don't really enjoy being around people very much. So there's the trick- how do I put myself out there if I can't stand being around people? What's the work around there?

Death of Songs

It's the death of songs.
Because they aren't worth my expression anymore.

Why Keep Trying

If it always ends the same.
I will not write the same song
Over and over again.
It's just not worth it anymore
Because I've already written and played that tune.

Trust

I'm not sure I can trust
Anyone.

Now I understand why people do drugs,
Because you just want to escape
But don't know how
Without completely ending it.

Pain

I thought that by moving in with my dad,
I would be able to fix all my problems with men.
Except I only think it made things worse.
I can't seem to learn, to get things right
And I just keep either choosing the wrong guys
Or I just can't seem to heal my wounds
To allow me to have a successful relationship.

I am so angry. And I'm in a lot of pain.

I really want to do it right
I want a healthy, long-lasting relationship
But now I've just turned into an addict
Just like my dad, and my brother
I became addicted to my relationship.

Moving in with my dad didn't help to heal things,
It just damaged me more than I already was.

Yet another mistake.
And I feel trapped.
I've become an addict
And I don't know how to get out of this pain- yet again.

Walk, Blog, Job

Walk, Blog, Job
Food
Music- maybe

I must compartmentalize my days
So I have structure and can stay productive

So here is Blog.

I am trying to write

Because I don't know what else to do.
I have goals, and I will keep them at the forefront.
And anyone who gets in the way,
Is just in my way.

I am trying to write,
Because I am in pain and need an outlet.
I respect art and creativity
Because I believe in the power of them
As my mother would say.
I believe they are there to help us heal our wounds.

I am trying to write,
Because I feel there is no where else to turn.
No one I want to talk to
Except just getting my feelings and anger out on this screen page.

I am trying to write,
Because that is all that seems to be left.

The Fog

It's been awhile 

Since the fog has cleared 

Where I feel happy and light again

The sadness has been vast 

But still here I stand

Just trying to take that next step

Towards peace, and love

I am still searching 

 

People Suck

It's just been really difficult for me to see the goodness in people these days.
Again, they say this is usually a reflection of ourselves, so
I must think I suck.

But really, people really do suck.

Everybody Wants To Be The Greatest

Everybody wants to be the greatest.
Do the best at life.
Well I guess it's a good thing to strive towards.
But why do we have to constantly be comparing ourselves to others?
Why are we always competing with one another?
Maybe it's the innate survival of the fittest wiring we still have in our DNA.
I'm just trying to be better than myself yesterday.
I don't really care about other people, what they do, how good they are doing it.
It's a waste of my energy and focus.
I wish I liked people.
Maybe it's a reflection of myself. That's what they say.
I'm just working on my own confidence in myself,
I don't need to beat someone else at something to see that confidence through.
I don't need that validation.


But people seem to need that competition for some reason.
So they have something to conquer or win over.
I don't want to do that.
I just don't care enough.
Sometimes I think the things that are meant to be yours happen regardless.
But many believe that it has to be fought over.
Maybe I just don't have the fight in me.
Why?

I'm not sure when I started hating people.
Or just being around them.
I just don't want to interact in any way.
Why?
Is that okay?
Or are we here to constantly interact with people?
I'm trying to be in public again,
Like the cafe thing. I used to do that. But I had more of a focus then.
I don't have much focus now.
Just kind of floating.
And it's extremely vulnerable.
Being unemployed sucks.

Competition

Here's one thing about me,
I don't compete.
It's boring.
It's ego-driven.
I don't like indulging in my ego.
It's not fun.
Many people loooooooove the competition ego game

At who can be the best person.
I think it's boring. And pointless.
So I don't play it.
Maybe in sports, for some reason.
But that's about it.
Or maybe with music sometimes.
But when it comes to competing with people in life?
No thanks, I'll pass.

So, if you're trying to compete with me?
I. Don't. Give. A. Fuck.
Find someone else to play with.
Thanks.

My Offering

When inspiration comes and goes

I think to myself,

What has caused this spark of energy?

Taking chances in art is inspirational

Believing in yourself is inspirational.

I do have something valuable to offer.

If It Isn't Real

If it isn't real
Why do I feel it?
If it isn't real
Why does it affect my well-being?
If you say it's not reality
Then why am I suffering?
This pain is too much to bear.

I can choose it to be a dream then
But that doesn't change its heaviness on my soul
It is great, and I'd rather be free
Yes, I am exposed to a challenge
But I won't let it take my soul away.