Withdrawal

Today I am blogging to blog. I am frustrated, and I need to vent. It's quite coincidental (or just synchronistic) that I named this blog Venturous Joy. Not only am I an adventurous spirit and currently venturing internally and externally for my own soul searching, I am literally venting, too. So, this blog is aptly named.

I'm pissed. With my father. My car's brakes need to be fixed and my insurance got cancelled, so it is currently off the road. Therefore, I am stranded on a fucking mountain and I can't really get anywhere, and ultimately my dad can't go and get his booze. So he is losing his shit, and being really mean. At this point, after all this time living here and trying to figure out ways to get him off the bottle, I'd rather just give him a drink. Because then he'd be nicer. And that royally sucks.

To stay productive (which has been the good thing out of being immobile), we started to do some landscaping around the house-- like split and stack wood, clearing up all the shit that's been hanging around the backyard. Both my brothers tend to just dump their shit here, like it's a dump yard. I think it's really disrespectful that they do that. What is it about disrespecting and being mean to the ones we love the most? Why do we do it?

Despite my brothers' mess, it's been keeping my dad busy and, in my opinion, keeping his mind off of the alcohol. He stopped working for a few months now, ever since his working partner passed away. But he's now 63, so is probably in retirement mode anyway-- except that he has no retirement fund. Regardless, clearing up the backyard has been a helpful summer project.

The thing is I just can't be around him anymore. He's always criticizing everything I do, and I won't have it. I just can't imagine all the people who stay in relationships when their partner is verbally or emotionally abusive, let alone physically and sexually abusive. My father never abused me, except for neglect, which is a real form of abuse, and I'm sad to say that I'm grateful that it wasn't other kinds. But it doesn't mean that emotional or psychological abuse is okay. No abuse is okay. I've witnessed and endured my share in my lifetime, and I see right through the bullshit and won't allow it into my life anymore.

So, I'm obviously blogging for the reasons why I always blog, because it is therapeutic. Growing up, I always saw my mother writing, always. So I believe I take after her in that respect. I am grateful, and glad I followed in her example instead of my father's, which would have been to turn to drugs and alcohol. I am so grateful that I didn't take that route.

I know that he is being mean because he is going through a withdrawal of alcohol and cigarettes. But I also will not stand in the way to be teared down in the process. It's like I don't even care about helping him anymore. I really don't. So, I've been keeping my distance, not speaking a word to him, and if I do and he starts to become verbally abusive, I will throw those darts right back, because I can fight. But I'd rather just keep the peace and avoid him.