Memorial Day

It's Memorial Day weekend. The weather is beautiful, and all I want to do is be with the friends that I really don't have, and to have a fun time. But, today was the day that it really hit me. I am alone. As much as I want to be hopeful about love, I can't help but feel the depression. I do want love, to create a family of my own. Although I never really talk about it and am usually private about it, there is this deep yearning that is just undeniable.

While I can try my best to be content and practice gratitude daily, perhaps that is my problem. Maybe I'm trying to be content in a situation where I'm truly not, and I'm harming myself in the process due to the dishonesty with my true feelings. I am grateful for many things. But for some reason, living back with my father and now also oldest brother, I feel more alone that I have ever felt, even more than when I was living alone.

Even though I remain in this admitted depression, I do still practice gratitude daily. But if I were to give a progress report on my learnings, I would say to not settle with people just because you don't want to be alone, or because you have nowhere else to go. You are better off taking that leap of faith and jumping ship, than to continue living with those who don't or can't help you grow. Now, I understand all those relationships and marriages where two people stay together because it's comfortable, or because they are too dependent on each other financially or emotionally. But underneath it all, they are gravely unhappy, not growing mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. I feel for those people now. I understand now.

I am still not working, and have no income. I am trying to start my own freelance business of sorts, but I am completely reliant on my father for shelter and oldest brother for food at this time. I can tell you that I am extremely grateful for them, because they are, in fact, taking care of me in that way. I am also grateful to get to know them better as people, for they are the two family members whom I really knew the least throughout my childhood. They were also the two I have suffered the most from psychologically, or at least I think they are... So, inevitably, it has not been easy living with them. Despite their providing, in which I'm sure they might take great pleasure (or great burden) from, food and shelter are only one part of the puzzle of well-being. What about the spiritual, mental and emotional growth? Because that IS just as important.

So, I just feel trapped, like I'm in a stalemate, and I don't know how to get out. I remember reading a quote once by a contemporary singer, songwriter and producer, Frank Ocean, who said, "never run back to whatever broke you." Well, it was my father and oldest brother who I think really caused the most of my internal damage-- although they may not realize it now, or were unaware of the amount of damage they caused at the time. But this is why I feel so alone. I am completely foolish to be living back in the house that held so many of my broken childhood memories? Or am I extremely brave and wise in doing so?

Either way, I do believe that I am here for a reason, and there is something I still have yet to discover and learn before I can move on. I just won't see it until it is behind me. But whatever it is, I hope it comes soon, before I feel like I shrivel up and wither away.